The world is a dangerous place. Not because of the the people who are evil; but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.
Albert Einstein

Jerk

One of our friends was having a happy hour at his apartment. Even though the guests were having a good time, I wasn’t for some reason. I stood by the bar with a beer in my hand, starring at the familiar faces as the alcohol flows down their throats. Then I said, “fuck this. I’m bored!” I dropped my pants to the ground and started masturbating in front of everyone. My friends were shocked, but laughing at the same time. When this girl Natasha walked by us, I grabbed her hand and placed it on my penis, then motioned her to do the same.

Surprisingly, she wasn’t offended, but immediately said, “oh no no. I love giving hand jobs, but just not now okay? Happy jerking!”

late to work

I got in my red Ferrari and drove down the hot, deserted western road in the morning. The sound of the engine roaring at 120 mph and the cool breeze flowing through my hair felt incredible. This amazing feeling made me want to steer off course to do something fun instead of going to work, but I really have to keep grinding my 9 to 5 routine. As I slowed down at a traffic light, I realized the the sun was already setting. I quickly check the time on my dashboard and couldn’t believe it was 2 PM. I started panicking in my seat and I was amazed and perplexed.  “How did this happen?!, I said to myself. “I was supposed to be at work at 9 AM!”

Next thing I know, I woke up from my sleep.

“Thank god.”

Then, I woke up again.

“Fucking inception.”

An assassin with wheels attached to her back.

An assassin with wheels attached to her back.

strudelicous

I was sitting at my work desk and noticed that the place looks more like a hotel lobby than a cubicle paradise. Instead of the usual white fluorescent lights hanging from the ceilings, they were semi-dim yellow lights that compliment the warm welcome of a hotel.

 My phone started to ring. It was a client under the Texas Government accounts, so I transferred the call to one of the account managers, Richard. Another client called from the same account.

“Why are they calling me?! Get the right fucking number morons!”

I asked Regina if she could pick up the call. Annoyingly, she said that she was about to leave, but picked up the call anyway. Oh well, I guess that’s just her personality or maybe she menstruates 365 days a year…

In the kitchen, I sat next to Marcus to eat my nice fluffy piece of strudel with jelly inside. I placed a plate under it and then carefully drip some delicious icing on top; it was simply beautiful. Somehow a vortex warped on top of the strudel and slowly started to spin. Shit was badass…it was dark purple and black in color, but it stopped warping after a few seconds. My coworker, Marcus, was amazed by this, and then took my strudel and started spinning it with his hand; hoping that it would start warping again.

The vortex never came back. I was ticked off when the jelly burst out of the strudel. Damn you Marcus!

AIDS

My coworker, Kimbo, emailed the entire team to announce something horrible.

“Guys, I have some bad news that I want to share with you guys…I just got my test results back. I have AIDS.”

soupsoup: NASA to announce new life form; redefine ‘life as we know it’  Obviously, somethings going to go wrong while the scientists are growing these microorganisms and they’re gonna take over Earth or make us into the walking dead.

soupsoup:

NASA to announce new life form; redefine ‘life as we know it’ 

Obviously, somethings going to go wrong while the scientists are growing these microorganisms and they’re gonna take over Earth or make us into the walking dead.

interview with WikiLeak's Julian Assange

Love him or hate him. Julian Assange is like a superhero vigilante, who holds the power to skull fuck an organization or country with sensitive intelligence. Read his interview with Forbes.

I scooped this out of a river with a spoon. It is translucent with a yellowish hue. Kind of looks like a big frog egg with jellyfish guts inside.      

I scooped this out of a river with a spoon. It is translucent with a yellowish hue. Kind of looks like a big frog egg with jellyfish guts inside.

     

crazy girlfriend

  • Me: Why is my girl getting in the driver's seat?
  • Justin: I don't know...but I'm gonna get shotgun.
  • Me: Hopefully she can pull out of this parked spot properly and not hit the front and back cars.
  • Me: There is an ice cream shop next to us...wow, the two girls working in there are hot and curvy. They serve red bean ice cream too!? My favorite..
  • Me: Okay, Haley has a devilish look on her face and just started the car. I smell trouble.
  • Me: WHAT THE FUCK?! She's doing circles right in the parked spot! Oh my god, my side bumper is on the curb! STOP! GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW HALEY!
  • Me: What the fuck were you doing? You scratched the shit out of my car!
  • Haley: That was fun. I was making circles!
  • Me: Are you serious? Half of my car is on the curb and the bumpers on the other cars fell off. Why are you being stupid?
  • Haley: Don't call me stupid. Fuck you, you just don't understand! I'm going inside the ice cream shop.
  • Me: ...
  • Me: You better come out or we're leaving you.
  • Haley: No, I want you to come inside and apologize to me. We need a serious talk right now and I'm not leaving until you say sorry.
  • Me: You're out of your fucking mind.
  • Me: Justin, get in the car.
  • Justin: You're just gonna leave her here?
  • Me: Yeah I don't care, she's being fucking dumb right now. I can't believe this.
  • Justin: Hahaha
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